Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Being Stong

I once though that the meaning of being strong meant that you never needed anyone else. If you were strong then you could do anything you wanted all by yourself and no one could stop you. I would run head on in any problem that I would come up against and I would not stop until I had conquered it. I would tell no one of what I was doing or how I was struggling. I learned how to put on a smile and get the work done. Then later when I was by myself I would breakdown and let everything out. I was strong! There was nothing that I could not handle and no problem that I could not fix.

Today I learned that sometimes you are the strongest when you are not strong at all. When you have to lean on someone else, and put all of your trust in them, you’re at your best. It is far more difficult and it takes a stronger person to let go and put everything into someone else’s hands. Today I had to let go. I had to stop building walls and trust that everything was going to be ok if I was not strong. And it was. I broke down. I felt silly, I felt vulnerable, I was sorry, I was ashamed and I was not strong at all. But it took more strength to let go, then it has ever taken me to hang on.

Today I was strong.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Growing up... And there is nothing you can do abou it!

I often have felt that life went on around me, while I stayed the same, Never changing. Every once and a while, something will hit me, and I will realize that I am changing just as much as the world around me. I am growing up. One of these moments happened the first time I saw my little brother drive a car. My head spun... I did not even feel old enough to drive a car! What in the world was he doing behind the wheel? And legally too! A few months later when he called me and told me that he had broken up with his girlfriend, and he needed someone to talk to… The moment came again.

These moments seem to happen more and more the older I get. As I was putting Tye’s niece to bed the other night, I realized that I am old enough to have kids... and within the next 10 years, I would be putting my own children to bed. I was awe struck. I am so excited to be a mom. I can’t wait to hold a child in my arms, and know that it’s a part of me.

Today as I was getting ready for work, it hit me… I work a full time job. I work this job to pay for my apartment, and my truck and my bills. Only grownups have bills. Oh man… I went and grew up. It was not something that I had ever planned on. Seriously. When I was younger, I would never be able to tell my teachers what I wanted to be when I grew up… Cause I was never growing up.

Don’t get me wrong, I have loved growing up, and there are so many things that I love about my life. I would not trade my life for anyone else’s. I just can’t believe that I am old enough to drive, old enough to get married, have kids, a mortgage, a job, old enough to go to jail, buy lotto tickets… And yet, I am still so young. I still love to color, and watch Disney movies. I don’t like thunderstorms, or being alone in the dark.

Isn’t life great! Every day it goes on changing, all the while, it’s staying the same.